Tuesday, February 28, 2006

the return of the banal

1) our heroine, becoming disillusioned with crappy lectures and crappier conferences, cuts class to read about pediatric oncology and leukemia and feels very liberated.

2) my upstairs neighbors have a very noisy bed. and very noisy sex. for what seemed like forever last night. and at 2:30 in the morning! i don't know whether to be jealous or pissed off.

3) it has been about 40-50 degrees, on average, all f'ing winter. now that it is almost spring, it is like 2 degrees out. god, i love new england.

4) on friday, i get to see grace and m in fair texas. this may be the reason for the disillusionment noted in 1.

5) pinapple with lime juice makes me happy.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

i had something deep to say...

but i've forgotten. there's nothing quite like studying to make you search for all avenues of procrastination. but there's also that realization i have everytime i'm feeling fidgety and start compulsively checking people's blogs for inklings of their lives--every 5 minutes.

which is to say that i should post more, although i suspect the people who checked my blogs probably have given up.

but if there are a few holdouts out there, here's an image of me at this moment:

holed up in a classroom at school, 9 o'clock at night. sprawled on the floor and surrounded by books, index cards, and food items (in various stages of being eaten. listening to cyndi lauper (or whatever comes up next on shuffle). wishing that i could stick a plug in the back of my neck and download everything i'm trying to memorize about the multitude of bacteria, viruses, fungi, and protozoa i'm supposed to have learned. oh, plus all the drugs one might use to treat them.


Thursday, September 01, 2005

new orleans...

gone. before i ever had the chance to meet you. you were my high school dreams and the stuff of legend.

if you're reading this, stop. get out there and do what you can to help. the red cross is a good place to start. craigslist too. and there are probably local clothing and/or food drives around you. do it.

Monday, June 13, 2005


this is turning out to be the place where i take myself when being alone inside my brain is too much to bear. where i only sometimes take my triumphs and joys, but more often my depression, my fears, and my aloneness. i feel like i should apologize, and let my readers know that i'm not generally unhappy--i just tend to write about it more.

i have an exam tomorrow. at eight am. it's twelve-thirty now.

i've been in bed for over an hour and i am in one of those atrocious cycles of nearly falling asleep, then waking myself up. the last time this happened i got a net of 2 hours of sleep.

the problem with early morning exams is that when something like this happens, you are screwed. and the likelihood that one will keep oneself up out of anxiety is of course heightened by knowing one has an exam just hours (and then fewer hours) away. i have been outwardly nonchalant about this exam, but the fact is that i feel poorly prepared. i'm not sure that i -am- actually poorly prepared, but the sensation, as in so many things, is sufficient to do damage. so i'm ruminating about that. then, too, i have to move over the next two days, beginning almost immediately after i've finished the exam. i feel pretty ill-prepared for that as well, despite having packed a great deal of my stuff (a majority, even) in the past weeks. i've not contacted my future roommate to set up a time for me to get in, and that concerns me. it feels irresponsible. i also still have a great deal of junk to pack--the annoying flotsam and jetsam that linger after one has taken care of all the reasonably large and concerning stuff.

i am leaving school for the summer. this is a change that comes with many, many benefits (spending lots of time with h, for one). however, it is still change, something i've never been good at anticipating. i worry too that there are things i need to get done for school, paperwork-wise, that i've forgotten (there's been a great deal of paperwork in my life lately). i need to remember to clean out my locker and put my disgusting anatomy clothes in the proper place for disposal.

none of these would be earth shattering if i didn't absolutely have to get a decent amount of sleep.

the first thing to do (and pardon me for thinking out loud) is to make a plan, thus comforting myself that all can and will be done, as it's been doing thus far.

locker cleanout: bring a plastic bag for recyclables. chuck the rest. save the lab coat, any books, and the mostly clean scrub top. the rest of the clothes can go into the anatomy lab where they'll be removed according to proper procedure.

packing: can get done tomorrow afternoon and tuesday, when h will be around to help. email d before trying to sleep again so as to get planning off one's chest.

exam: i have passed all to date well above the pass mark and above the mean as well. i went to 90% of the classes, did a good deal of reading, and reviewed. i feel like i've got a good grasp of the basics and a shakier grasp of the details, but having the big picture should provide me with the ability to reason out a good bit of the details. it is unlikely that i will not pass, and unlikelier still that i will fail by a large enough margin for the comittee to want me to remediate. should that happen, i will most likely be able to negotiate something by distance, say independent study like, and since i really enjoy the material in this section (just am too tired to fully appreciate it), i would most likely pass following remediation.

i feel better, but not sleepy yet.

so what is one to do? i can't go downstairs for hot milk, etc, b/c of squeaky stairs. but a little yoga, self-massage, soft music, and reading a story from howell should help do the trick.

if not, more soon.

wish me luck.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


looking back through the titles of my past (sparse) posts is a mite depressing. i can't promise that this one will be any less so, but whatever. the last week or so has been incredibly full and finding melinda extremely distracted. this is bad, as she has not one but three exams in the next week. and has to move. yikes.

for the amount that i've been dicking around, i am feeling remarkably prepared (which is to say, not really prepared, but also not in a state of utter panic). it may perhaps just be the overwhelming relief i feel at the eminent arrival of the end of this school year. this should not be interpreted to mean that i haven't enjoyed myself--i have, immensely. i have done a vast amount of introspection and i think have grown. (blah, sounds cheesy, but nonetheless true. i am definitely less scared of people than i was at this time last year, and that's progress). and have met some awesome folks. you know, all the usual life-changing foolery that comes along with any intensive schooling experience. but the fact remains that i am TIRED. my brain is full, and it's difficult for me to make it hold any more. (i shudder to think about what it's like at other schools where the school year is shorter but they have 8 HOURS OF LECTURE PER DAY. those poor, poor students. they must be unable to form complete sentences the vast majority of the time.)

eh. i seem to have forgotten where this was going, in the same sort of way that i've forgotten my wallet, keys, binder containing everything there is to know about this course section, water bottle, and almost anything else you could name at some point during the last 3 days.

i had a good night though, to conclude a rather lousy day. i woke up in a fairly bad mood which progressed throughout the morning, vacillating between extreme grumpiness, despair, and torpor. and a tetanus shot. somehow, though, i made it over the 4 pm hump, bought a shitload of good, cheap produce, had a pleasant solid dinner, and then studied in my personal library (aka the w.h. starbucks*) until it closed--3 and almost 1/2 hours of productivity. i am going to have to repeat this experiment.

and now i'm drinking italian hot lemon beverage with some quality bourbon and going to bed.

*so, yeah, starbucks. i know it's the evil empire, but i justify it thusly:
1. i buy the cheapest thing on the menu, a small coffee, so i am not giving them much of my (or rather, your, as it's all govt loans) hard-earned lettuce.
2. i occupy real estate in the coffee shop for hours at a time studying (and go to starbucks exclusively when studying or peeing, never if i just want a cup o' joe) and would feel guilty doing that at an independent, neighborhood place where i'd be blocking seats for potential customers. at starbucks, no one gives a shit--not me, not the employees, not the other customers. this same principal applies for bringing and eating my own damn food in house.
3. starbucks, for its numerous faults, is good to their employees unlike MANY other large, profitable enterprises and i can support that. and i try to tip well.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

i might cry.

i need to stop reading medical literature to find out about myself. it scares the bejeezus out of me.

i had a weird thing happen a few weeks ago where suddenly my heart started racing and i was really dizzy--out of nowhere! i got my housemate to take me to the ER, where (in the process of waiting to get in and then to be seen) it turned itself off. the ER doc who finally saw me said i was fine, told me to stop drinking caffiene, and sent me home. i saw my doctor four days later. she did an ecg, and said it was okay except that i have short PR intervals. basically what that means is that the current running through my heart goes from the top (the atria) to the bottom (the ventricles) more rapidly than in most people. normally the top gets zapped first (the "lub" part of lub-dub), then there's sort of a pause, then the bottom gets it (the "dub") the pause is important to make sure you've got time for things to fill and empty properly. having less of a pause means...well, a lot of things, but mostly it means that i'm more likely to have freaky things happen.

i should mention that aside from scaring myself once or twice a day, i'm FINE. my heartbeat is normal, i function, i'm great. it was just that one time...but that was enough. i don't feel like a healthy person anymore. and i hate that. especially since it's probably pretty unfounded. i hope.

anyhow, i was looking up "short PR interval". under the syndromes that can cause it were the words "sudden death". i believe it was qualified by a word like "unlikely". however, i operate on a slightly less than rational level and it caused (is causing) me to freak. i don't really know what is or isn't safe for me to do, i have no instructions if it happens again other than "go to the ER, then call me". i am scared. like i said before, i feel like a sick person. and i'm pretty sure i'm not--i have never been--but i do wish i knew how to stay well.

i have a plan, though. i see my doctor again on tuesday, and will ask her for a referral to a cardiologist. i will explain to her that this is scaring the shit out of me, and even though it might be ridiculous, i would like to talk to someone who knows this stuff inside and out. is that reasonable? i hope so...

on the positive side, this has been a really excellent reminder of what it's like to be the one sitting on the exam table, and to be told things you really don't want to hear (or not told things you DO want to hear).

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

i have a problem...

when i get stressed or sick or whatever, i start to get paranoid. not paranoid like, "they're out to get me," but a paranoia of things breaking. i worry that my body is falling apart. and especially i worry about people i love. where are they? are they okay? why aren't they home?

i can work myself into a froth like this.

tonight, i am worrying about h. he rides his bike at night in a city, so i feel somewhat justified in worrying. at the same time, he is road-smart and takes good care of himself. i know this, but it's not stopping me from freaking out tonight, when he wasn't home when i called and isn't answering his cell. there are plenty of logical sane reasons why this might be so that don't involve bodily harm, but my brain is having none of that.

in my defense, i am nursing some unfortunate stomach bug, am two weeks pre-exam, and just--very unexpectedly--lost a family member. these things do not a rational melinda make. but i do feel bad that so much of my unreasonable emotions get directed his way. and i do wish that i were going to be able to sleep tonight, but i'm not.