this is turning out to be the place where i take myself when being alone inside my brain is too much to bear. where i only sometimes take my triumphs and joys, but more often my depression, my fears, and my aloneness. i feel like i should apologize, and let my readers know that i'm not generally unhappy--i just tend to write about it more.
i have an exam tomorrow. at eight am. it's twelve-thirty now.
i've been in bed for over an hour and i am in one of those atrocious cycles of nearly falling asleep, then waking myself up. the last time this happened i got a net of 2 hours of sleep.
the problem with early morning exams is that when something like this happens, you are screwed. and the likelihood that one will keep oneself up out of anxiety is of course heightened by knowing one has an exam just hours (and then fewer hours) away. i have been outwardly nonchalant about this exam, but the fact is that i feel poorly prepared. i'm not sure that i -am- actually poorly prepared, but the sensation, as in so many things, is sufficient to do damage. so i'm ruminating about that. then, too, i have to move over the next two days, beginning almost immediately after i've finished the exam. i feel pretty ill-prepared for that as well, despite having packed a great deal of my stuff (a majority, even) in the past weeks. i've not contacted my future roommate to set up a time for me to get in, and that concerns me. it feels irresponsible. i also still have a great deal of junk to pack--the annoying flotsam and jetsam that linger after one has taken care of all the reasonably large and concerning stuff.
i am leaving school for the summer. this is a change that comes with many, many benefits (spending lots of time with h, for one). however, it is still change, something i've never been good at anticipating. i worry too that there are things i need to get done for school, paperwork-wise, that i've forgotten (there's been a great deal of paperwork in my life lately). i need to remember to clean out my locker and put my disgusting anatomy clothes in the proper place for disposal.
none of these would be earth shattering if i didn't absolutely have to get a decent amount of sleep.
the first thing to do (and pardon me for thinking out loud) is to make a plan, thus comforting myself that all can and will be done, as it's been doing thus far.
locker cleanout: bring a plastic bag for recyclables. chuck the rest. save the lab coat, any books, and the mostly clean scrub top. the rest of the clothes can go into the anatomy lab where they'll be removed according to proper procedure.
packing: can get done tomorrow afternoon and tuesday, when h will be around to help. email d before trying to sleep again so as to get planning off one's chest.
exam: i have passed all to date well above the pass mark and above the mean as well. i went to 90% of the classes, did a good deal of reading, and reviewed. i feel like i've got a good grasp of the basics and a shakier grasp of the details, but having the big picture should provide me with the ability to reason out a good bit of the details. it is unlikely that i will not pass, and unlikelier still that i will fail by a large enough margin for the comittee to want me to remediate. should that happen, i will most likely be able to negotiate something by distance, say independent study like, and since i really enjoy the material in this section (just am too tired to fully appreciate it), i would most likely pass following remediation.
i feel better, but not sleepy yet.
so what is one to do? i can't go downstairs for hot milk, etc, b/c of squeaky stairs. but a little yoga, self-massage, soft music, and reading a story from howell should help do the trick.
if not, more soon.
wish me luck.