Wednesday, March 17, 2004

so, i'm not entirely pleased with the way this blog is going. i'd like it to be more reflection and less the rundown of my week.

i've been feeling shitty lately. lonely, dissatisfied, inadequate, unable to feel much of anything--positive, that is--about much of anything. i suppose i'm depressed again. i should be used to this by now, but i'm not. and it's low-level, so much so that i can easily attribute it to the general lousiness of work, or nerves about school, or the weather, or whatever i'm inclined to blame that day. and perhaps it is, but perhaps it's not. why do i persist in trying to ignore it away?

laziness, really, when you come down to it. and fear, but i'm not sure of what. i've done the whole seeking-psychiatric-help shebang already, so it's not like it'd be anything new.

it seems very bizarre to me how i am where i am today. in high school i was a scared, fucked-up, self-destructive kid tearing herself to pieces in the suburbs. then, a slightly less scared and fucked up kid in college 3600 miles from the home she'd never left before. i blundered my way through everything with no clear idea of what the words discipline and responsibility meant. it amazes me that i made it through. my approach to life (then and now) was based on inconsistency.

and i'm going to be a doctor.

thrilling, because it means i've succeeded in getting my act together. terrifying because i'm so sure i'm going to lose it again.

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