Tuesday, April 05, 2005

i have a problem...

when i get stressed or sick or whatever, i start to get paranoid. not paranoid like, "they're out to get me," but a paranoia of things breaking. i worry that my body is falling apart. and especially i worry about people i love. where are they? are they okay? why aren't they home?

i can work myself into a froth like this.

tonight, i am worrying about h. he rides his bike at night in a city, so i feel somewhat justified in worrying. at the same time, he is road-smart and takes good care of himself. i know this, but it's not stopping me from freaking out tonight, when he wasn't home when i called and isn't answering his cell. there are plenty of logical sane reasons why this might be so that don't involve bodily harm, but my brain is having none of that.

in my defense, i am nursing some unfortunate stomach bug, am two weeks pre-exam, and just--very unexpectedly--lost a family member. these things do not a rational melinda make. but i do feel bad that so much of my unreasonable emotions get directed his way. and i do wish that i were going to be able to sleep tonight, but i'm not.

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